Archive for the 'fruit' Category

Mid-month Update

August 16, 2006

I don’t know what sort of feedback Per has been getting on his posts, but here in Cobble Hill, I’ve been getting bricks through the window, phone calls, paper airplanes up the nose–all with hastily scrawled messages demanding to know what happened. So here’s the skinny:

-The percolator is still active, and is still very much a percolator, not an Italian Moka Monster, or whatever it is that the comment bulllies kept insisting on. And yes, the perc coffee is deliciously strong: I reorganized the closets and the medicine cabinet.

-It seems as though library has dropped it efforts to ruin me. They deleted my account and cancelled the collection proceedings. This is disapointing; it was lots of fun complaining about the Kafka-inian bureaucracy. But at least I’ll be able to qualify for a mortgage once I save up the half-million I’ll need for a down payment on a home around here.

-No reply yet from the weasels trying to sneak through three watermelons in a row in their fruit alphabet. Could this horrifying state of affairs push a certain *cough* someone to launch her own fruit alphabet page? Stay tuned.



Fruit Alphabet Update

July 27, 2006

Recently, I wrote about the wonders of the sleep inducing fruit alphabet (is it grotesque to reference your own blog?) and included this link to a charmingly illlustrated A-Z fruit guide with all the fruits from advocado-bannana-chimuera to xigua-yellow watermelon-zucchini.

A few days later, Mom wrote with an objection: the fruit guide, she noted, says Y is for Yellow Watermelon, but had already used watermelon for W. “That’s cheating!” mom said.

I secretly agreed, but I wasn’t going to make a fuss. After all, it’s hard to come up with fruits that start with the letter Y (mom suggested yucca but who wants to eat that).

But then a second email arrived, from my friend Jeff who insists on living in China until he gets rich off a third world laser eye surgery scheme. Jeff wrote: “X is only for Xigua in Chinese. In fact they cheated. W, X and Y are all the same fruit, unless you think ‘yellow watermelon’ counts as something besides watermelon.”

Yep, according to Jeff, Xigua is simply Chinese for “watermelon.” All this time i’ve been fantasizing about what a Xigua tastes like when I’ve had one right in my refrigerator next to the peanut butter. Do you know what this boils down to? The whole back end of the fruit alphabet is a sham. Come to think of it, I don’t really care for Z-Zucchini, either. I mean, zucchini is technically a fruit, but really.

Anyway, I wrote an angry note to the person (company?) behind the web page in question. I will not sleep til I get a response.

Cure for Insomnia: The Fruit Alphabet

July 17, 2006

While falling asleep recently, I was thinking about all the fruit out there, and whether there is a fruit for every letter of the alphabet. You know, apple, banana, cherry… I didn’t get far. I fell asleep around ‘honeydew.’ The next night, I tried again. Same thing. The fruit alphabet, it turns out, is a perfect cure for insomnia.

I don’t know if the fruit alphabet works for chronic insomnia, and it definitely won’t conquor sleeplessness induced by three cups of coffee before bed. Where it’s proven to work is those occasions where your body is exhausted and ready to sleep, but your brain is running all over the house, pants on fire, frantic with anger, worry, or plain old excitement.

Once the brain really gets going, no amount of willpower can halt its production of spectacularly useless thoughts: it’s like trying NOT to think of a white pony. The trick is replace those thoughts with a subject interesting enough to hold your attention but repetitive enough to make you sleepy. Counting sheep is too simple—the mind gets bored and starts wandering back down those dark alleys, rooting through the trash. Reading is too complicated—the mind is already too riled up to take in the words. But the fruit alphabet! Like a beautiful but dim-witted date, it’s at once perfectly boring and supremely engaging. One minute you’re debating whether ‘tomato’ counts as a fruit, the next the alarm is ringing.

Sure, you could do the alphabet with just about anything: dog breeds, tree types, obscenities (surprisingly easy) US cities (surprisingly hard). But I’m sticking with fruit simply because there’s something stupidly delightful (deliciously retarded?) about it. It’s hard to feel bad and focus on fruit at the same time. Sweet dreams!

PS Should you get stuck, some very wonderful person has already put the whole fruit alphabet online. But you already knew X is for Xigua, didn’t you.